valdyr and beetlejuice

I've Had A Talking To With Myself

First, a little blah blah blah.

I suffer from massive depression. Soul-crushing, painful depression. Despite the symptoms (insomnia, listlessness, anxiety, random mood shifts, lethargy, random times where I do NOT want to talk to anyone, ever), I have tried to IGNORE UTTERLY the fact that I have depression.

I've been doing this for a very long time. The psychiatrists diagnosed me first when I was a young teen, and visits to others during hard times gave me the same. And I have finally accepted it, just now, in this moment of revelation I have had this morning while working on Polara's long delayed lioness head.

I also had another revelation.

For the past 10 months, I had been debating shutting down Fenrir Productions. Some bad customers, three people that commissioned me, sent down payments, and then LITERALLY disappeared off the face of the planet, and my own depression causing me to burn out on the thing that I had FOUND, the art that I LOVED... something that I could finally do with my endless fathoms of creativity.

I wandered for a while and tried to find things to do with myself... dabbled in 3D and made some (IMHO mediocre) toony avs on Second Life, a couple horses, trying to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING to fill that void while I was sick, or upset over the deaths of my loved ones. Fursuits weren't doing it anymore... I couldn't sit down to work without shaking so bad that I couldn't hold my glue gun. I had a horrid fear of working, a fear of my customers that they did not deserve, and more bills to pay then I could possibly take care of on my own. My head was a mess, I was a mess... I didn't want to do ANYTHING.

I decided to pull a (very) late night on Polara's head tonight because, for the past year, I have been literally procastination working... one night, sticking on a bit of foam... taking a break. Then carving a bit... taking a break... carving a bit more... taking a break... You get the idea. Every time I had sat down to work on a suit, I felt nothing but dread, and my hands shook as I grit my teeth and tried to force myself to work.

My love died... someone had doused the fiery passion I had for making suits with a massive bucket of water... No... with a torrential downpour.

A few nights ago, I looked at the head sitting in the corner of my living room... nothing but some foam and the bridge of the nose furred. My fiance had, yet again, been goading me to get back to work. We need the money, he said. You can't get a different job because your knee is bad, he said. My heart sank, and I yelled at him that pressuring me to get back to work with the threat of bills over our head was NOT going to help me get back to finishing these suits.'

But something in that head looked at me and said... you know what? I could be really nice when you get me done. I could be quite the pretty lion, but you will never know... because you won't finish me... you won't even take the time to slap a little fur on me. You COULD be the predecessor to the breath of life that my owner, the woman you have been forcing to wait far too long, will put into me... But I guess we will never know.

at first, I'll be blunt... I told that lioness head to fuck off. I didn't care; it was just a silly object, its name ISN'T Pinnochio, and I didn't want ANYTHING to do with it... but later, I caught its stare again, so hollow through its blank eyes, just waiting for their thick lashes and radiant irises... and I sat down and, begrudgingly, got to work.

I started working at 4 PM, taking a small break to eat dinner, and run to the grocery store. It is now 8 AM... at 7 I took a bit of time away to browse through the old Fursuit Database, seeing what the world was up to. Somewhere between Midori's Wolverine, Beetlecat's Targ, Jillor's maned wolf, Joecifur's wolf (sorry if tis not a wolf!), and Beastcub's creepy cat...

It hit me. Right in the stomach. I fell to my knees, bawling, sobbing...

I had remembered.

Though my fursuits were nothing but money to my fiance, they were WAY more to me. They were my artistic "gift", if you would, to be had by the artists that would give them their TRUE life through performance. A never ending circle of art... the most beautiful thing in the world due to that: something made by one, to be constantly handed to another to be loved as I had loved it, and performed in with such an amazing art as was the ability to create one... then being seen by more, to bring smiles to their faces, to inspire THEM as well.

Please forgive my shoddy typing right now... I'm still crying as I write this.

To any future artists, REMEMBER what you are doing this for! Don't let stupidities like pushy customers, disappearing commissions, feelings of futility, and especially money, cloud your vision and your talents! Do NOT bow to the pressure, because what you are making is going to bring SO MUCH RELIEF, so much HAPPINESS to other people for you to fall to that. And yes, Joecifur, I KNOW you told me so many times to not let it become "about the money"... but when your fiance is initially running a job which ate up about $20 in gas EVERY day, and then suddenly loses that job... it can be hard to not look at it as such, and I fell to it. And it ruined me.

To my commissioners: I am so sorry that you had to suffer from my sheer stupidity. I'm sorry that I fell, and I am sorry that I had no one that could properly intervene... slap me in the face a bit sooner, so to speak. I AM working now, full force, and I intend to be working full force for a while. If I ever feel myself staggering, I will come back to this post and reread it, and try to force this revelation upon myself again. While yes, the deaths, the illnesses... were unstoppable... There were other things I could have done, times when I COULD have worked at least a little... I am so sorry. Nothing could ever express the sorrow and guilt that I feel right now. I am so very, very sorry that I have taken the ability for you to become the next awesome artist for so very long.

It is you, the commissioners, that TRULY put the life into these costumes... I only make them. And I should be tarred and feathered for making you wait so long.

I guess... I'm done.

I'm sorry.
valdyr and beetlejuice

Proof of E-Mail Lack; Gory Pics of the Car Crash

So some of my customers who I am still having e-mail transactions with commented/messaged me here (apologies for not seeing them sooner... I forgot that I had a school e-mail hooked to this account for pass retrieval, and forgot the pass, and had to go through a bit of a mess to GET my pass reset) requesting proof that I am not recieiving many... many e-mails. Under this cut, I will be posting that (a note: the two in my trash are, mysteriously, petco and PCH lotto[please tell me how they got my e-mail])

Also... bad luck struck again in my life. I am hoping this plague ends... if any of you cursed me, please lift it so I can get back to work darnit! Hahaha.

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valdyr and beetlejuice

Fursuit (Anti?) Progress

So. What a day.

Let's see. I painted the remake of the jawset for the fox and then promptly lost the lower jaw. I searched for it for an hour and a half before I said screw it and just made a new one to stop wasting my time. Went to glue on some fur, and mutilated my finger... LITERALLY mutilated it... with the hot glue. It looks disgusting. I got the fur glued on, though.

I got the wig yesterday for another suit, and realized that it was not what I had expected. Instead of returning it, though, I said fuck it, maybe I can make it work. NOT. So now I have a SECOND wig on express shipping to me. Not to mention that I need to remake the eyes for that suit, as they came out uneven and retarded looking.

Then I was cutting out the white tip for a fox tail. I've gotten the body done, and only needed to sew the hands and tail together. However, while cutting the white, I apparently decided to slice into my finger and right down to the bone with my x-acto. Oh, and if the pain wasn't enough, I apparently hit a vein or something because blood literally started squirting out of my hand for about a foot worth of distance. Let's just say that the white tips of the tail very quickly became red before I could get over the shock and realize exactly what I had done.

So then I go okay, okay, got this stuff done, gonna take a break on this for the night and get back to the caracal head that I have been making just for shits and giggles. I had all the fur pieces cut out, sewn, and waiting to be glued. Except apparently, even though I had left miniscule seams, the entirety of the mask looked like shit because it puckered around them. I tried to pull it off and ended ruining about 90% of the foam for the mask, so now I get to rebuild that.

Now all that I know is that it is 5:30 AM, I just had an anxious binge-eating attack (my friends wonder how I can binge-eat like I do while stressed and never do anything... gross, so to say, to eliminate the food and still weigh 115lbs), and I feel slightly nauseous, so I am going to drag my ass into my bed and die for the night. Sewing the handpaws and trimming, shaving, et cetera of the body suit for the one commission can wait until tomorrow.

Signing off with acheing, mutilated fingers,

valdyr and beetlejuice

What I owe

Now that I am getting a computer working, I figured I would write down what I owe people.

Tyrfox: 1 LJ icon commission. Have the basics sketched in some sketchbook.
Tigerwolf: 1 digital piece. Kind of restarting to fix flaws that I had not noticed before.
Kesame: 2 WH poses. Need to get more info on the second one.
Werewolf (? I think? Need to check that e-mail): 1 WH pose? Again, need to check.
WolfNymph: LJ icon
Genevieve: Lineart.

I'm working on a sketchbook right now, too, which is going slower than I would like due to me just... failing at most attempts at drawing the past couple of weeks. I think its stress, but its just NOT working... It is really, really getting discouraging. My hand seems to be stuck between two styles... part of me seems to be wanting to move up to a new level, while part of me wants to revert. And I am a perfectionist, which is the MOST obnoxious trait in the fucking world.

Also working on finishing two fursuits that just don't seem to want to be finished. Currently waiting on a wig and a crapload of fur.



So, I am really sick and tired of people who do not ever send payment. And a lot of times, people don't follow my request to put at least some of their commission info and their anthro name in when they send the payment. So I am currently mad aggravated because I do NOT know exactly how many art commissions I actually owe, due to some people not sending payments, and people not properly identifying themselves. So if you have not paid me yet, since my last round of commissions, your commissions are now void.
valdyr and beetlejuice

The Golden Prince: Golden Tabby Tiger ACEO

Just finished him up today and got him ready for auction: he was a quick stress reliever. Watercolors on some sort of ridiculously expensive paper whose name I do not remember.

Click to make him bigger.

Apologies for the kind of poor image quality. I only have a digicam, and couldn't grab one of the school scanners before the building closed today.

He is for sale, if anyone is interested:

(X-posted... sorry to anyone it bothers)
valdyr and beetlejuice

Yay kinda

I've got a computer up and running at long last. Its not my best (it's my shitty school laptop), but if I can get PS to install and run with the gig of RAM I've got coming in the mail, then it should be okay.
valdyr and beetlejuice

Dammit Computer & I Can Barely Move

So I got the HD for the HP finally and installed it... and the cursed thing still doesn't work. Oh, tech support...

I have been coughing so hard and so much lately that I have fatigued the muscles of my ribs and back to the point where every cough brings about a lactic acid burn. It is pure agony, and I can barely lift my arms. This is the most miserable flu I have ever caught in my friggin life. To make matters worse, I slept about an hour last night, and had to go to classes today, so it really doesn't help much with all the bodily aches and pains.

I want to work on a fursuit so bad D: Maybe if I go tenderly I can finish Eenyu's partial in the next few days... I have her, a toonyfoxthing, a hyena, and an eastern dragon looking pathetically at me right now, appearing like corpses in varying degrees of fur loss. They're really quite creepy.
valdyr and beetlejuice

When it rains, it pours. Cheap arts available.

Wow. I am so sick of money it isn't even funny.

Basically, this past week has been hell for me. I had to go to the hospital due to this flu, my car stopped running completely and I need to get it fixed ASAP so I can attend some of my off-campus college courses, the school decided they were going to screw you with my TAP (a type of financial aid), and gods... little shit, like bills. Either way, I can't afford this, so I was hoping that I could earn a few bucks to help me out.

The rundown:
-The school wants another $2,139 from me to pay tuition due to not wanting to give me my TAP for some odd reason.
-The hospital bill is $300. I have no insurance to help me out there.
-The car is $700 to fix.
-HP apparently decides I need to pay for my HD, which is going to be at least $100. Still fighting with them.

I have a $1000 goal with this... so feel free to commission as much as you want XD I want enough to at least get my car fixed and pay the med bill before it comes back on my credit so that I can pay the school, perhaps with a loan, and I want the car fixed so I can get to the classes and not get kicked out. Til then, I will be doing my best to make it to my classes with a very very long walk.

"Why don't you just go get a part-time job?"
I live in a small town that houses two colleges, one state college, and one university. Therefore, there are over 6,000 people living in this town. There are very few campus jobs, most of them are work-study which means that you can only work 5 hours a week, and need to meet special qualifications (which I do not). Downtown we have a uni-mart, a gas-station, two family-owned restaurants, and two bars. So not a lot of job opportunities down there, either. Part time job is fully out of the question.

What am I offering? Cheap cheap cheap stuff. But non-digital. I can only work with the supplies that I have available right now, and once I get a computer working with PS on it, then I will offer their equivalents in digital form.

$1 will get you a refined sketch of your character.
$2 will get that sketch inked and cleaned.
$3 will get you a flat-colored drawing. This will either be in prisma color markers, or pencils, depending on if I have the right colors for the image. Unfortunately my marker collection is falling slim, and I don't really have the cash to remedy this right now.
$10 will get you a laminated con badge in markers or colored pencils, that will be mailed to you.
And I may be negotiable to crack out some watercolors and use my last sheet of watercolor paper up if someone wants something in water color form. I am open to considering anything that is not listed here if you would like to try and come up with a price.

Thank you,


valdyr and beetlejuice

Hopsital :D

So I went to the hospital and it turned out that I have some sort of uber-contagious friggin influenza from hell. So I got told that I am not allowed to go to classes or go into areas with more than 10 people. Apparently they don't understand that a college student lives in college dorms and eats in college dining halls. e.e

Ah well. I got a couple of absences due to it. Sleep time, essentially.

Fevers almost gone now, but the coughing is getting worse D: Which really sucks. I hate coughing.